Learning Surrender
By Ryan Dawson
Surrender is hard. But surrender is imperative for the disciple of Jesus. We cannot truly follow Jesus without first surrendering to His loving leadership. Knowing the goodness of God allows us to trust Jesus with our whole lives, so we can submit to His will over our will.
For those of us who have children, we know what it is to want to control our children. Because we love our children we want them to experience the flourishing life Jesus came to give us, so we are tempted to control their journey. But we can't be the Holy Spirit for our children. Our job is to love unconditionally, model Christlikeness and faithfulness, and offer wise instruction, trusting our children to the care of our Heavenly Father. This is easier said than done, and I think it gets harder as our children become adults, because the stakes seem much higher. But learning surrender is paramount for us if we want to experience joyful peace. I also think learning surrender will help us love better without reservation.
I was blessed when a friend sent me Jon Tyson's reflection on surrender. It's called the Silence of Zebedee and I have included it below in its entirety. Take time to read and reflect on what surrender looks like for you in these days.
Blessings, Ryan
The Silence of Zebedee - Jon Tyson
“Parents, your children can’t give you life. They can’t give you sturdy hope. They can’t give you worth. They can’t give you peace of heart.”
Paul David Tripp
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
Matthew 10:37
___________________________________
Mel Robbins has a best-selling book called The Let Them Theory. As far as secular self-help books go, there are some decent ideas in it, but the central premise is hard to live out. We are called to surrender our need to control others and manage what they do. We simply let them do what they are going to do.
Let them go, let them live their lives, let people be who they are called to be.
I don’t know if there is a more difficult area of “letting them” than when it comes to our kids. Watching your kids start to make their own way in the world can be overwhelming, even terrifying at times. It is hard to apply the “let them” theory in your home.
But as we mature in our faith, God takes us on a journey of surrender. We have to learn to surrender our finances, our jobs, our time, our future, our dreams, and our marriages to God. So much of our growth and maturity as men is not in our ability to get things done, but in our ability to let things go.
I was reflecting on this in my own life, with two adult children who are making their way in life and leaning into their call. I came across something in Mark 1:19-20 that hit me with fresh power—Zebedee’s response to his sons leaving home.
I am sure Zebedee was proud of his sons. He had raised them to be full of thunder and life. They were with him at home and with him at work. He would have delighted in two young men serving at his side, ready to give him grandchildren, and continue his legacy, values, and name. But then he faces the ultimate test of his life: Jesus is walking down the shore, calling young men to be His disciples.
“When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.”
What stands out to me in this passage is the silence of Zebedee. We have no record that Zebedee did anything but surrender. The cost for him would have been high. His sons would have been expected to continue with their father, following him in his footsteps, and helping with the family business. But his sons get up, leave him, and follow Jesus. Zebedee is left with hired hands, not sons.
Yet, Zebedee is silent. Zebedee lets them. Zebedee says nothing. He surrenders in silence and lets them go.
The silence of Zebedee speaks volumes.
___________________________________
In some ways, their mother acts as many mothers do; she advocates, negotiates, and speaks up. She wants to manage how Jesus, the man her sons are following, treats them. Matthew 20:20-21 tells us,
“Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. “What is it you want?” he asked. She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
Mom wants to know that her boys are all right. Mom wants them to have a place of prestige and honor. If they are going to leave the family business, they at least need some significance. Jesus, however, doesn’t see it that way.
And where is Zebedee? Silent. He doesn’t negotiate with Jesus or get on his knees asking for favors. He entrusts them to Jesus’ care and lets them go.
___________________________________
In Western culture, we tend to idolize or neglect our kids, sometimes at the same time. We have helicopter parents and tiger moms, while we let screens raise our kids and work violent hours. We both push our kids away and yet seek to control them all at once
I am sympathetic to this plight, as the emotional journey of letting your kids go is something that nothing can prepare the heart for, even if the mind knows the path ahead. Yet, this is the core of what we are called to do. Every parent has to surrender their kids to the call of God, and arguing with God rarely helps. Jesus doesn’t seem to take kindly to parents who seek to negotiate special places for their kids in His kingdom. He knows what they need better than we do, and often has a plan to reform them under His love in ways we could never do in our own.
Zebedee raised sons of thunder, Mom wanted to negotiate power, and Jesus needed to change them into men of love.
___________________________________
When I was a new believer, I remember hearing Keith Green singing about the need to surrender his kids to God. It seemed like the easiest thing in the world, and I didn’t know why he seemed to agonize about it. I repent of my naivete a lot these days.
Because there is no formula for raising your kids. Even though I have written a book on Fatherhood, I still have to surrender them into the hands of God. I still have to trust that He will take them on their own journey of becoming people of love, and pleading and complaining do not help.
I have come to respect the silence of Zebedee so much. A silence that trusts Jesus with the future of his kids, in spite of his plans, purposes, and all he had in mind. He may have sensed that with all his love and plans for his boys, Jesus had more for them than he could ever give. Their mother could not have known that one of her sons would be a martyr, and another would be boiled alive, and in some way, they ended up drinking the cup deeper than she could have ever asked.
___________________________________
I have always loved this quote from Dallas Willard about not needing to have the last word. He writes…
"The discipline of silence is one of the most powerful of all the disciplines for the spiritual life. It consists in not speaking at all for a certain period of time, or in not speaking in certain ways. One of the most important things to do is to practice not having the last word."
I just never knew that it included not having the last word about your own kids.
I am not sure where you are on your journey with your kids. Maybe they are young and your days with them are stretched out like a holy promise in front of you. Maybe you have a teenager who is in the middle of a heartbreaking rebellion, deconstruction, or denial of their faith. Maybe you have a kid who struggles with mental health issues, or autism, or has identified as a part of the LGBTQ community. Maybe you have a godly kid who is walking with the Lord and filling your heart with joy. Maybe you are divorced, and you feel like you can't get enough time with your kids.
Wherever you are coming from, the most important thing is going to be surrender. To entrust them into Jesus’ care. To practice the discipline of letting Him have the last word about them, a word that will be more loving and full of grace than you could possibly believe.
I'll be joining Zebedee in surrender and silence this week.
I hope to see you there.
Cheers.
Jon.
Surrender is hard. But surrender is imperative for the disciple of Jesus. We cannot truly follow Jesus without first surrendering to His loving leadership. Knowing the goodness of God allows us to trust Jesus with our whole lives, so we can submit to His will over our will.
For those of us who have children, we know what it is to want to control our children. Because we love our children we want them to experience the flourishing life Jesus came to give us, so we are tempted to control their journey. But we can't be the Holy Spirit for our children. Our job is to love unconditionally, model Christlikeness and faithfulness, and offer wise instruction, trusting our children to the care of our Heavenly Father. This is easier said than done, and I think it gets harder as our children become adults, because the stakes seem much higher. But learning surrender is paramount for us if we want to experience joyful peace. I also think learning surrender will help us love better without reservation.
I was blessed when a friend sent me Jon Tyson's reflection on surrender. It's called the Silence of Zebedee and I have included it below in its entirety. Take time to read and reflect on what surrender looks like for you in these days.
Blessings, Ryan
The Silence of Zebedee - Jon Tyson
“Parents, your children can’t give you life. They can’t give you sturdy hope. They can’t give you worth. They can’t give you peace of heart.”
Paul David Tripp
“Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”
Matthew 10:37
___________________________________
Mel Robbins has a best-selling book called The Let Them Theory. As far as secular self-help books go, there are some decent ideas in it, but the central premise is hard to live out. We are called to surrender our need to control others and manage what they do. We simply let them do what they are going to do.
Let them go, let them live their lives, let people be who they are called to be.
I don’t know if there is a more difficult area of “letting them” than when it comes to our kids. Watching your kids start to make their own way in the world can be overwhelming, even terrifying at times. It is hard to apply the “let them” theory in your home.
But as we mature in our faith, God takes us on a journey of surrender. We have to learn to surrender our finances, our jobs, our time, our future, our dreams, and our marriages to God. So much of our growth and maturity as men is not in our ability to get things done, but in our ability to let things go.
I was reflecting on this in my own life, with two adult children who are making their way in life and leaning into their call. I came across something in Mark 1:19-20 that hit me with fresh power—Zebedee’s response to his sons leaving home.
I am sure Zebedee was proud of his sons. He had raised them to be full of thunder and life. They were with him at home and with him at work. He would have delighted in two young men serving at his side, ready to give him grandchildren, and continue his legacy, values, and name. But then he faces the ultimate test of his life: Jesus is walking down the shore, calling young men to be His disciples.
“When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.”
What stands out to me in this passage is the silence of Zebedee. We have no record that Zebedee did anything but surrender. The cost for him would have been high. His sons would have been expected to continue with their father, following him in his footsteps, and helping with the family business. But his sons get up, leave him, and follow Jesus. Zebedee is left with hired hands, not sons.
Yet, Zebedee is silent. Zebedee lets them. Zebedee says nothing. He surrenders in silence and lets them go.
The silence of Zebedee speaks volumes.
___________________________________
In some ways, their mother acts as many mothers do; she advocates, negotiates, and speaks up. She wants to manage how Jesus, the man her sons are following, treats them. Matthew 20:20-21 tells us,
“Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. “What is it you want?” he asked. She said, “Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom.”
Mom wants to know that her boys are all right. Mom wants them to have a place of prestige and honor. If they are going to leave the family business, they at least need some significance. Jesus, however, doesn’t see it that way.
And where is Zebedee? Silent. He doesn’t negotiate with Jesus or get on his knees asking for favors. He entrusts them to Jesus’ care and lets them go.
___________________________________
In Western culture, we tend to idolize or neglect our kids, sometimes at the same time. We have helicopter parents and tiger moms, while we let screens raise our kids and work violent hours. We both push our kids away and yet seek to control them all at once
I am sympathetic to this plight, as the emotional journey of letting your kids go is something that nothing can prepare the heart for, even if the mind knows the path ahead. Yet, this is the core of what we are called to do. Every parent has to surrender their kids to the call of God, and arguing with God rarely helps. Jesus doesn’t seem to take kindly to parents who seek to negotiate special places for their kids in His kingdom. He knows what they need better than we do, and often has a plan to reform them under His love in ways we could never do in our own.
Zebedee raised sons of thunder, Mom wanted to negotiate power, and Jesus needed to change them into men of love.
___________________________________
When I was a new believer, I remember hearing Keith Green singing about the need to surrender his kids to God. It seemed like the easiest thing in the world, and I didn’t know why he seemed to agonize about it. I repent of my naivete a lot these days.
Because there is no formula for raising your kids. Even though I have written a book on Fatherhood, I still have to surrender them into the hands of God. I still have to trust that He will take them on their own journey of becoming people of love, and pleading and complaining do not help.
I have come to respect the silence of Zebedee so much. A silence that trusts Jesus with the future of his kids, in spite of his plans, purposes, and all he had in mind. He may have sensed that with all his love and plans for his boys, Jesus had more for them than he could ever give. Their mother could not have known that one of her sons would be a martyr, and another would be boiled alive, and in some way, they ended up drinking the cup deeper than she could have ever asked.
___________________________________
I have always loved this quote from Dallas Willard about not needing to have the last word. He writes…
"The discipline of silence is one of the most powerful of all the disciplines for the spiritual life. It consists in not speaking at all for a certain period of time, or in not speaking in certain ways. One of the most important things to do is to practice not having the last word."
I just never knew that it included not having the last word about your own kids.
I am not sure where you are on your journey with your kids. Maybe they are young and your days with them are stretched out like a holy promise in front of you. Maybe you have a teenager who is in the middle of a heartbreaking rebellion, deconstruction, or denial of their faith. Maybe you have a kid who struggles with mental health issues, or autism, or has identified as a part of the LGBTQ community. Maybe you have a godly kid who is walking with the Lord and filling your heart with joy. Maybe you are divorced, and you feel like you can't get enough time with your kids.
Wherever you are coming from, the most important thing is going to be surrender. To entrust them into Jesus’ care. To practice the discipline of letting Him have the last word about them, a word that will be more loving and full of grace than you could possibly believe.
I'll be joining Zebedee in surrender and silence this week.
I hope to see you there.
Cheers.
Jon.